HOW TO OVERCOME HOMOSEXUALITY

HOW TO OVERCOME HOMOSEXUALITY

Emotional and social interests in individuals of the same gender are healthy as long as they are not excessive and do not develop a sexual or erotic dimension. When same-gender interests become extreme and are eroticized, they become same-sex attraction . Same-sex attraction is an intense interest in others of the same gender. This interest may include desires for their attention, friendship, intimacy, or a fascination with their bodies and other gender traits. It may also include erotic thoughts, feelings, and behaviours directed toward the same gender. The psychological community uses the term homosexuality to refer to the entire complex that includes attractions, feelings, desires, sexual behaviour, identity, and all its associated aspects, such as problems with masculinity or femininity, self-perception, emotional dependencies, and relationship issues.  

This section assumes you have determined that you do not want to be involved in homosexual behaviour. It explains that you can choose your behaviour, how habits and addictions can compromise your power to choose, and how you can set personal boundaries on your actions. It warns against justifying homosexual behaviour and discusses the concepts of temptation and sin. The section then gives suggestions for changing your behaviour patterns. Finally, gives specific counsel about controlling fantasy, pornography, masturbation, and homosexual behaviour. People often try one of two approaches to solve their same-sex attraction problems. Some try to stop the behaviour and suppress the desires but don’t work on identity issues or other deeper problems. Unfortunately, they find that sooner or later both the desires and the behaviour return. 

Other people work on self-identity issues but don’t stop the behaviour. They find that the continuing behaviours reinforce the feelings and obstruct their efforts to improve how they feel about themselves. The answer to both these situations lies in a balanced approach. A major focus of this Web site is on discovering the underlying causes and working on resolving those inner conflicts that generate the desires for homosexual actions. But at the same time, you must get your behaviour in control so it does not reinforce the feelings you are trying to understand and redirect in appropriate ways. Although controlling your behaviour is of utmost importance, it alone will not solve your problems. Long-term change depends on your perception of yourself and on your devotion to God. Behaviour management is a prerequisite to behaviour change. One of your priority tasks is to make constructive, positive changes in your habitual ways of behaving and relating to your environment. At first, you may have to take drastic measures to get your behaviour under control. If you have not been deeply involved in sexual behaviours, your job will be less difficult. However, if you have been heavily involved in sexual activities you may have a more demanding struggle to overcome habits and sexual addictions. But if you are sincerely motivated and make a significant effort, you can overcome them and control your behaviour. The comforting news is that as you resolve deeper issues, the compulsions and desires to act out will diminish or disappear and the struggle to control your behaviour will be less demanding.  

As time passes, homosexual behaviour will become less and less appealing, until you may have no desire for them at all. Behaviours are purposeful, and are governed by valid, ordered sequences of experience. While homosexual behavior may appear strange and without logic to many people, it served what you viewed as a useful purpose and was rational from your point of view. Barney Swihart wrote, "Sexual bondage is never about simple lust or external behaviour. It is in response to the deep wounds of life that sexual strugglers develop self-protective relational walls to insulate themselves from further hurt. However, the sad irony is that the very walls they have cultivated to ‘protect’ themselves now have become the ‘prison’ that keeps them in bondage. 

 If you want to change your behaviour, you must be committed to do it. You have to decide to stop and determine to do it. You have to choose which will be "the last time." Will it be this one? Or the next one? Or the next? There will always be a "next" time until you decide that it must stop. If you don’t decide ahead of time, the situation will decide for you, and when faced with familiar situations, you will act in old, familiar ways. Perhaps it is not that your bad desires are too strong, but that your good desires are too weak. You need to encourage, sustain, and strengthen the good desires, rather than spend so much time trying to eradicate the bad ones. Some people have difficulties because they have not determined once and for all that they don't want same-sex attraction. They leave the door open and haven't decided that homosexual behaviour is wrong. They hold out the hope for a Mr. or Ms. Right. And if such should come along, they would pursue him or her rather than God. You will never overcome same-sex attraction as long as you believe that homosexuality may be a viable option. If you have never acted on your same-sex urges, congratulations! 

 Many people have to spend a great deal of time and energy undoing behavioural habits and addictions. If you are not burdened with overcoming these, your task will be less difficult. You may be tempted to engage in homosexual activity thinking that if you were to experience it, you could "get it out of your system" and your fantasies could be put to rest. But this false illusion ignores the seductive power of sexual sin. Many people know that homosexual behaviour doesn’t satisfy, but are enslaved by it anyway! It is much harder to close a door that has been opened than it is to not open the door in the first place.  Be strong and don’t give in to homosexual behaviour no matter how long your transition may take. It is important to set and maintain boundaries for personal growth and development. Most charitable acts require restraint and boundaries. In fact, a critical lesson to learn in this life is to become masters of ourselves. In contrast, people of the world say that to deny yourself of worldly pleasures is to deny your true self. They emphasize feeling good rather than being good. They describe any form of self-restraint as self-loathing or homophobia.  

However, a peaceful society requires restraint, boundaries, moderation, and temperance. You will likely need to set boundaries to get your behaviour under control. By setting personal boundaries, you use your agency to temporarily limit certain individual freedoms to help achieve more important eternal freedoms. If you know you are susceptible to certain addictive behaviours, you can decide to limit your access to places or conditions that might make it easy for you to go astray. Since addictions can limit or compromise more important freedoms, it is important to forgo less important, temporary freedoms for more important eternal ones. If you are tempted to go to an adult bookstore on the way home from work, you may have to take a different route that does not pass by the bookstore. Choose boundaries that keep you well inside a zone of safety. Old habit patterns have to be starved before they shrivel and die. In addition to the outward boundaries discussed above, it may be helpful to define boundaries in personal and interpersonal areas. it was, but will leave out the heartache, loneliness, and frustration you may have felt. In his book Desires in Conflict, Joe Dallas explained, "Your memories look good only because you’re not seeing them panoramically Physical boundaries. It is important to show affection, and through the healing process, hugging and physical touch can be important. However, it is also important to recognize that each person comes from a different background and has his own limits of personal space. What may be an appropriate hug for one person may be too intimate for another. When a person is starved for affection and conditioned to respond sexually, an otherwise appropriate hug may arouse or make him think inappropriate thoughts. Therefore, it is important to be aware of what is comfortable and appropriate both for you and for the other person.  

Once you define your personal boundaries, let others know what they are. And before you hug someone else, be sure you know it is within his personal boundaries. Sexual boundaries. Your attractions and sexuality are your own and you can set boundaries that define what you will do. As steward of your own sexuality, you are responsible for seeing that others do not use you in sexual ways and that you do not use them. In addition to obvious sexual actions, there are other areas to be avoided. Flirting, "gay talk," innuendo, and suggestive conversation show disrespect for the other person and are a form of manipulation and predatory behaviour. Fantasizing sexually about someone else is using them without their permission. Such actions affect your self-concept and your relationship with the other person. This is a particularly difficult area for people who have been abused sexually, because they often have difficulty differentiating between sexuality and true loving feelings. Emotional boundaries. You often cannot control how you feel. Although you can choose how to respond to your emotions, you may feel happy or sad or angry through no choice of your own. Emotions are not necessarily right or wrong; it is not always good to be happy, and not always bad to feel sad. However, understanding these emotions can give you clues to understanding yourself. Others can violate your emotional boundaries by doing things such as the following: telling you how you should feel, telling you they know how you feel, taking it on themselves to "fix" things for you, dumping their emotions on you, or using you to make them feel better without regard for what it does to you. Of course, you can violate the boundaries of others by doing the same things to them. Intellectual boundaries. Our thought processes reflect our feelings, opinions, and perspectives, and not necessarily facts. You have a right to sort out what you think, and need to give others the right to think and decide for themselves also. If you disagree with someone, it is not your job to fix their way of thinking. Spiritual boundaries.  

Your beliefs belong to you and the beliefs of others belong to them. A violation of spiritual boundaries occurs when you tell someone, "You can’t believe that." You cannot force a person to believe something any more than you can force them to think or feel the way you want them to. Likewise, you cannot live on the spiritual beliefs of others; sooner or later you need to determine what you believe for yourself. Gordon B. Hinckley explained, "Mental control must be stronger than physical appetites or desires of the flesh. As thoughts are brought into complete harmony with revealed truth, actions will then become appropriate. . . . Each of us, with discipline and effort, has the capacity to control his thoughts and his actions. This is part of the process of developing spiritual, physical, and emotional maturity."   Thoughts generate actions which lead to habits which develop character which influences our destiny. We grow in character when we overcome evil tendencies and learn to govern our appetites and passions—whether those passions are anger, hatred, jealousy, or immorality.  

The methods of controlling homosexual temptations are similar to those for controlling any other temptation and there are many good books written on the subject. Why do we sexualize the solution to our needs? Alan Medinger wrote, "I believe we do this because sex is one of the most intense experiences most people have, and whatever sex touches becomes more alive. Just as salt enhances the flavour of food, sex intensifies the power of any experience."   Sex brings excitement when you are lonely or bored. One of the reasons I was enticed by homosexual activities was that I wanted more excitement in my life. The gay world held a certain mystique for me and homosexual encounters appeared exciting. Use endorphin as the antidote for adrenalin. Endorphin is the body’s natural hormone that produces a natural high and lasts longer than adrenalin. Runners experience an endorphin high when they "break through the wall." Endorphin is experienced through good, natural experiences such as laughter, contentment, or spiritual experiences.  

As you break from negative influences, be sure to replace them with new, positive activities and relationships. Rather than trying to discard a bad habit or a bad thought, you need to replace it with something good. When you remove the seemingly exciting homosexual behaviour, your life may seem quite dull unless you fill the void with new, uplifting, and rewarding things. When you take cruising from your life, you will find many hours you can now devote to your family, your church, or service to others. You may want to start a new hobby or spend the time developing new relationships with people. Make time for activities you enjoy. Studies have shown that when people work on projects or activities they enjoy, their blood chemistry is altered almost immediately in a positive way. If you focus on the negative—all the things you can’t do—the past you are trying to leave will look even more attractive. Instead, focus on the positive—all the great things you are working toward. The old behaviours brought only temporary pleasure, while the new ones will bring lasting joy. Changing behaviours does not have to be viewed as restrictive. Instead, look at it as opening whole new worlds of opportunity. In reality, the old behavioural patterns were restrictive; they locked you into addictive patterns of responding and they held you back from the things you really wanted. Changing your behaviour to be in line with your values will release you to move to higher levels of fulfilment and joy. Don’t concentrate on the things you are removing from your life, but focus on things you can add to your life. 

There are many people who were previously conflicted by same-sex attractions and the desires to act on them, but now have diminished the feelings and attractions, eliminated homosexual behaviour, and are now much happier and at greater peace.