SINGLE PARENT

SINGLE PARENT

Single parent is a term that is mostly used to suggest that one parent has most of the day to day responsibilities in the raising of the child or children, which would categorize them as the dominant caregiver. The dominant caregiver is the parent in which the children have residency with majority of the time,  if the parents are separated or divorced children live with their custodial parent and have visitation with their noncustodial parent. In western society in general, following separation, a child will end up with the 'primary caregiver', e.g. in UK over 90% of the time the mother and a 'secondary caregiver,' normally the father.

There are multiple factors that contribute to single motherhood; divorce, desertion, death, imprisonment, and unmarried women with children which may have resulted from accidental pregnancy all are leading factors that contribute to single motherhood. There are also a few options for women who want to mother on their own by choice. Some choices for them would be adoption, artificial insemination, or in vitro fertilization.

The prevalence of single mothers as primary caregiver goes into traditional parenting trends we see between mothers and fathers. In her work Marriages & Families Benokraitis defines mothers as being generally viewed as the expressive role players who provide emotional support and nurturing qualities that sustain the family unit. Because of these nurturing aspects of a mother's role as caregiver, they outshine those of the father which tend to be more strict and distant. She goes on to express that one of a woman's expressive roles is that of kin keeper which is defined as an important communication link among family members. Because of these nurturing aspects of a mother's role as caregiver, they outshine those of the father which tend to be more strict and distant. Children tend to drift towards preference of parent depending on how involved a particular parent is and a common problem in society today are absentee fathers; therefore, children are more likely to show preference for their mothers as they are more involved than the fathers who are not as involved in the daily activities of their offspring.

The Islam woman never forgets that the mother’s responsibility in bringing up the children and forming their characters is greater than that of the father, because children tend to be closer to their mother and spend more time with her; she knows all about their behavioral, emotional and intellectual development during their childhood and the difficult years of adolescence. Hence the woman who understands the teachings of Islam and her own educational role in life, knows her complete responsibility for the upbringing of her children, as is referred to in the Qur’an:( O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones . . .) (Surah At-Tahriim 66:6)   

Another contributing factor in the prevalence of seeing mothers as the primary caregiver is preference according to the cultural definition of a mother's role. Children will lean more towards mothers because of their protective, nurturing characteristics which could perhaps have been a long established mother-child relationship from early on attachment beginning at birth and continuing as the child grows up. And We have enjoined on the human being in (regard to) his two parents the most beautiful conduct. His mother bore him under duress and brought him forth under duress. And his bearing and his weaning was thirty months. At length, when he reaches the age of forty, he says, "My Lord and Sustainer, grant to me that I am thankful for the graciousness that You have bestowed upon me and upon my parents, and that I may work righteousness pleasing to You, and make my offspring righteous. Surely I turn to You and surely I am of those who submit (to You)." – (Surah al-Ahqaf 46:15).  In this ayah, Allah SWT again mentions the beautiful conduct that parents are due. He has also again made mention of the difficulties that a mother has no choice but to endure during her pregnancy and labor, and during the period that she nurses and weans her child. We can also see that beautiful conduct to parents includes praying on their behalf.

In addition to their traditional protective and nurturing role, single mothers will have to play an excessive role of family provider  as well. The nurturing support and socialization of parenting is primarily directed at women whether single or married. Since men are generally the bread winners of a traditional family, in the absence of the father the mother must fulfill this role being able to provide nurturing parenting while also providing for the financial needs. This can be difficult for single mothers to do in which it is common for single mothers to rely on childcare facilities to provide the nurturing care for their children while they are working. Good quality childcare has developed in recent years as the trend of single parenting has risen, and some wonder whether such childcare programs are beneficial, however, there have been findings of positive developmental effects that childcare has on children. Because of a single mother's increased need to work, it's not common that a single mother will become actively involved with the childcare program anyway, reducing the possible guilt that a single mother may feel leaving the children with the care of others. Working single mothers may also rely on the help from fictive kin who assist in caregiving while the mother is working to provide for her children.

Single mothers represent a dominant aspect of poverty levels in society as many single mothers who are the primary caregiver for their children lack the financial resources to support their children when the birth father does not provide helpful support to the mother. Although there is public support for low-wage single mothers, it does not make much difference because the benefits are so few. Poverty stricken single mothers seek assistance through living with another adult--perhaps a relative, fictive kin, or significant other--when single mothers who are divorced often re-marry and have less financial struggles than unmarried single mothers, who otherwise cannot make up for their economic situation by working long hours when they are responsible for primary caregiving of their children, which explains why unmarried mothers are more likely to cohabitate with another supportive adult.

A single parent raising children can suffer problems  for the parent and children that may not exist in a two-parent home. If the parent and children are not of the same sex, the children may not have adequate role models, which can cause some differences in the children's psychological makeup. Also, joint custody or sole custody are part of the single-parent trend, including responsibilities related to the children. Sometimes it is easier if the responsibilities are shared between both parents.

Loneliness and isolation occur because of the loss of the partnership between the mother and father within the family, the National Institutes of Health indicates. When a person experiences divorce, it tends to cause that person to feel alone and unhappy. Sharing joys and sorrows with someone else on a regular basis does not occur, and the support within the partnership regarding parenting does not exist. This loneliness and isolation that the parent experiences can affect the children, no matter their age, because they will witness the sadness of the parent.

As a Muslim psychologist, in order to overcome the loneliness among single mother, I advised them not to spend most of their time alone. Try to share their emotions and feelings with someone that they trust and comfortable with. They are advised not to waste their time by following their feelings of being lonely. There are among those who believe in the popular saying as "Time is Gold."  Time in Islam is more than Gold or any precious material thing in this world. Of all religions, only Islam guides mankind not only to the importance of time but also how to value it. Allah the Almighty and His Messenger, Prophet Mohammad, very clearly tell us the value of time, why we must not waste it and how we can make use of our time wisely to increase our Iman (Faith) and thus attain success, especially eternal success in the life hereafter. Both the Qur'an and the Sunnah enjoin Muslims to be conscious of time. We are reminded that life in this world is nothing but temporary. We never know when death has been appointed for us. We must value time for the satisfaction of Allah  the Almighty. For our guidance and success, we must never waste time nor abuse it. Ibn Abbas narrated that Prophet Mohammad (PBUH) said: “There are two blessings which many people lose: (They are) health and free time for doing good.” (Bukhari 8/421)  

Everything we do in accordance with the Qur'an and the Sunnah is an act of worship. Such worship must be done sincerely for the pleasure of Allah alone. We should make use of our time (which includes our "free time") in doing beneficial things especially those that will make us closer to Allah and earn His Mercy. “O you who believe! Obey Allah, and obey the messenger, and make not vain your deeds!” (Surah Muhammad 47:33) 

Corollary to the above divine commandment, we must ask ourselves: Have we been obeying Allah and His Messenger? To what extent have we used our time learning the Qur'an and the Sunnah in order to have correct Eeman (Faith), to do righteous deeds, to enjoin the Truth or do Da'wah, and be patient and constant? As time passes by, are we sure we are devoting our time for the sincere worship and pleasure of Allah the Most High? Are we taking guidance from the following very enlightening Ayat (Qur'anic verses)? “By (the Token of) Time (through the ages), Verily Man is in loss, Except such as have Faith, and do righteous deeds, and (join together) in the mutual teaching of Truth, and of Patience and Constancy.” (Surah al-‘Ashr 103:1-3) 

Apart from that, as a psychologist, I asked them to read good books which they can obtain more knowledge and lessons. For examples, they can read motivational books and more on Islamic books. The best book of everything that they can earn more calmness only by the Holy Quran. 

The best of you is he who learnt the Holy Quran and taught it to others. (Bukhari)

That chest which does not have any Quran in it is like an abandoned house. (Tirmizi, Darmi)

Other problem that may occurs is the different view of role model in development of children. While girls may have better role models with single moms and boys with single dads, both will see a different view of the world than if they had both parents living together. For example, a girl only will see her mother operating as a single person, not as part of a synergistic couple. She may see her mother date, but that does not take the place of the child seeing her mother interact with a life-partner. Boys who live with their fathers face the same psychological problem of discovering how to behave with the opposite sex.

As a single mother, it is very important to show a good manners towards the children. Strengthen the intuitive, psychological and emotional bond between the primary caregiver and the children. In Islam itself shows the importance of having a great role model in development of ummah. Rasulullah SAW or Prophet Muhammad s.a.w  is the most influential person in Islam, even ranked the most influential people in history. It is no doubt that as a muslim, Rasululllah is our true role model, for him being the highest ranked person by Allah. It is important that we have the feeling of love towards the Prophet, and to love him, one needs to know him first.

“Surely there was a good example for you in the Messenger of Allah, for all those who look forward to Allah and the Last Day and remember Allah much.” (Surah Al-Ahzab 33:21) 

“And indeed, you are of a great moral character.” (Surah Al-Qalam 68:4) 

Both parents can have disagreements about rearing the children. They may constantly battle over power and compete for the position of better parent. Counterproductively, in-laws and friends may get involved, trying to help, but ultimately causing distress for the parents and children. This psychological and negative component of single parenting may cause the child to have psychological issues later, involving trust.

In psychological issue, the single mother is advised to tolerate and make a wisdom decision in rearing the children.  A Muslim mother has a valued and dignified role. Try to rear the children sincerely according to Islamic guidance . Expose them more to Islamic environment.

First, start by teaching them the importance of Worshipping only Allah. The best thing any Muslim parent could ever teach their children is to emphasize, from the day they can comprehend, that Allah (swt) is One and no one is worthy of worship except Allah (swt). This is the fundamental message of our Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) and it is our key to Paradise. Secondly, treat them kindly. Kindness begets kindness. If we were kind to our children, they in turn would show kindness to others. Our Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) was the best example in being kind to children. Thirdly, teach them examples of Muslim heroes. Instead of Batman or Superman, tell them about real heroes such as Abu Bakr, Umar ibn Khattab, Othman bin Affan, Ali bin Abi Talib  and others. Tell them how Muslim leaders brought a real peaceful change in the world and won the hearts of Muslims and non-Muslims alike. Fourth, let children sit with adults. It is preferable for children to be among adults, especially when listening to Islamic lectures. The Prophet (may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him) would often put children in the front row when he spoke to the people.

As a conclusion, despite of rising the children alone, the Muslim woman never forgets that the mother’s responsibility in bringing up the children and forming their characters is greater than that of the father, because children tend to be closer to their mother and spend more time with her; she knows all about their behavioral, emotional and intellectual development during their childhood and the difficult years of adolescence. Hence the woman who understands the teachings of Islam and her own educational role in life, knows her complete responsibility for the upbringing of her children, as is referred to in the Qur’an: ( O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is Men and Stones . . .) (Surah At-Tahriim 66:6) The Prophet (saw) also referred to this responsibility in his hadith : “Each of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock. The leader is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock; a man is the shepherd of his family and is responsible for his flock; a woman is the shepherd in the house of her husband and is responsible for her flock; a servant is the shepherd of his master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.” In Islamic history, Aminah  – the mother of Muhammad (saw) experienced to be single parent when her husband, Abdullah passed away since her early pregnancy of Muhammad. However she managed to overcome her loneliness and all the problems with full of courageous. This spirit should be emulated by every Muslim woman in carrying on life. Make Aminah as the best example in the life of a single mother who could rear a noble child with fully spirit until her last breath.